My anxiety is back. :(
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
The swing of school
I know it has been a long time since I posted. Honestly, I didn't think there was anything worth blogging. I passed my 3 summer classes with over 100%, no anxiety issues, no depression issues. It was a fantastic summer. And then.. the last two weeks happened.
Over the summer, all my classes were online. When I took the year off of school last year, I knew going back that I needed to take all online classes. Unfortunately for me, the classes I needed for fall and spring are not offered online. My hopes were high after a great summer of school. I never had any issues and I actually enjoyed my classes. This semester I am in 3 classes; Intro to Human Services, Intro to Practicum, and Basic Counseling Skills. Two of my classes are at Longview (a 50 minute drive, ugh!) and my other class is at Penn Valley. All mental health classes are only offered at Longview.
Classes started last Monday and they actually went fairly well. I felt great going to classes and I felt determined. That all quickly changed. On Thursday night I had the feeling of depression lurking. And by Friday night, my PTSD nightmares had returned. Less than a week into class and some of my worst fears were coming true.
When asked to describe my nightmares, I can really only think of one word, graphic. I know that probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it is clear to me. If you go back and read some of my posts from April, I described some of these dreams. My dreams are all death based. They are people I know and I see the way they are murdered clearly. I see the blood, the murder objects, everything. I always wake up in a panic. It takes a lot to calm myself back down. Within an hour or so, I can't tell you what was involved in my nightmare.
People with depression will understand this when I say it but you know when your depression is creeping up on you. It's a feeling in your stomach. I feel my muscles get all stiff. It's an odd feeling. I am fighting this depression as hard as I ever have. I've cried in my car, in my bed, in the shower. This is so hard to fight off. I can't have this right now, I need to succeed in school. I don't have time for this. How hard and how long will I have to fight this?
When I told my parents, the question came up with what will I do about school. Last year when this happened, I immediately dropped all my classes and began attending therapy on a weekly basis again. Here I am in the exact situation I was in a year ago. So what do I do? Without school I won't find a really good job. Should I risk falling into a deep depression just to get school over with? And at what point is my anxiety going to start coming back full speed? For the first time, I'm not playing this safe, I'm risking it all. I WILL finish school in May and graduate.
I am succeeding in school this year with a great support system, my family, my boyfriend, my therapist, and my psychiatrist. I will fight off this depression as long as I possibly can. I will be proactive about my anxiety and try my hardest to fight it off. I would be lying to you right now if I said it was going to be easy. Honestly, I think it's going to be one of the hardest obstacles of my life. And as I go through this and try to look at the glass half full, I know at times I will see it half empty. I know it's going to be a roller coaster. I know this is going to be difficult.
But I'll make it through, somehow.
Over the summer, all my classes were online. When I took the year off of school last year, I knew going back that I needed to take all online classes. Unfortunately for me, the classes I needed for fall and spring are not offered online. My hopes were high after a great summer of school. I never had any issues and I actually enjoyed my classes. This semester I am in 3 classes; Intro to Human Services, Intro to Practicum, and Basic Counseling Skills. Two of my classes are at Longview (a 50 minute drive, ugh!) and my other class is at Penn Valley. All mental health classes are only offered at Longview.
Classes started last Monday and they actually went fairly well. I felt great going to classes and I felt determined. That all quickly changed. On Thursday night I had the feeling of depression lurking. And by Friday night, my PTSD nightmares had returned. Less than a week into class and some of my worst fears were coming true.
When asked to describe my nightmares, I can really only think of one word, graphic. I know that probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it is clear to me. If you go back and read some of my posts from April, I described some of these dreams. My dreams are all death based. They are people I know and I see the way they are murdered clearly. I see the blood, the murder objects, everything. I always wake up in a panic. It takes a lot to calm myself back down. Within an hour or so, I can't tell you what was involved in my nightmare.
People with depression will understand this when I say it but you know when your depression is creeping up on you. It's a feeling in your stomach. I feel my muscles get all stiff. It's an odd feeling. I am fighting this depression as hard as I ever have. I've cried in my car, in my bed, in the shower. This is so hard to fight off. I can't have this right now, I need to succeed in school. I don't have time for this. How hard and how long will I have to fight this?
When I told my parents, the question came up with what will I do about school. Last year when this happened, I immediately dropped all my classes and began attending therapy on a weekly basis again. Here I am in the exact situation I was in a year ago. So what do I do? Without school I won't find a really good job. Should I risk falling into a deep depression just to get school over with? And at what point is my anxiety going to start coming back full speed? For the first time, I'm not playing this safe, I'm risking it all. I WILL finish school in May and graduate.
I am succeeding in school this year with a great support system, my family, my boyfriend, my therapist, and my psychiatrist. I will fight off this depression as long as I possibly can. I will be proactive about my anxiety and try my hardest to fight it off. I would be lying to you right now if I said it was going to be easy. Honestly, I think it's going to be one of the hardest obstacles of my life. And as I go through this and try to look at the glass half full, I know at times I will see it half empty. I know it's going to be a roller coaster. I know this is going to be difficult.
But I'll make it through, somehow.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
1 class down, 2 to go!
I have been so busy with work and school I have had no time to update. So here it goes!
I have officially made it half way through my classes with high A's!! My college success skills class ended today and I passed with 102%! I am so relieved to have that class done. It was so much work and the most time consuming class. So happy it is over!! My first year seminar class is going awesome! It's super easy and I am rocking 102%! I only have one assignment a week in that class. Now that my success skills class is over, I can focus on my final project for my first year seminar class. And last but not least, I am rocking a 98% in my community mental health class! These summer classes are going a lot better than I thought they would! I treated myself to 3 new dresses this week for all my hard work. I'm looking forward to treating myself again once the summer semester is over.
I have also been super busy house sitting. I haven't slept at my house since June 15th, and won't sleep there again until July 9th. I've definitely enjoyed making a lot more money house sitting. I'm buying myself a tv for my room for all my hard work this summer. This summer has been big for me and I don't think a lot of people understand. I've always been told to treat myself, so here I am doing it!
I'm also starting to slowly buy things for when I move out. I don't want to go through the stress of buying everything at once, so I figured I would buy some things every month.
Also exciting! Josh and I went out and celebrated our 6 month anniversary! We went out to the Cheesecake Factory and then to a comedy show at the improv. Definitely a great night!!
This summer is turning out so much better than I thought it would!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
NIHM
From the National Institute of Mental Health
"When in danger, it’s natural to feel afraid. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to prepare to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), this reaction is changed or damaged. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger."
"When in danger, it’s natural to feel afraid. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to prepare to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), this reaction is changed or damaged. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger."
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
And here comes the third week...
It's starting to really hit me... my anxiety has been up and down for the past few days. I've been taking my full dose (2-1mg pills) of my anxiety medication. I don't know what it is because I don't feel stressed out over school, at least I think that isnt the problem. It could be and I just haven't related the two yet. I took a break yesterday from homework and have made the decision to take a break today from it as well incase that is the issue. I've been doing the deep breathes and trying to talk myself through it, but I don't know what caused it so I'm unsure of what to talk to myself about. If it could be the weekend and I could just relax right now, that would be great. I don't know if im overwhelemed or what, but anxiety is the worse. My whole body just tenses up and all my muscles in my body are stiff. I'm trying to get rid of it just as I learned in therapy but nothing has worked quite yet. Sometimes physical contact helps because there is someone there to be with me, but I don't know. I need sleep for sure. I slept 8ish hours last night and took an almost two hour nap today and i'm still tired. I hate this off feeling I get when my anxiety is acting up. All I really want to do is snuggle up on the couch and just relax.
This anxiety makes me have flashbacks and I hate it. I catch myself thinking about Ian's visitation, the sounds of people crying, the smell of the flowers surrounding the casket, the lighting that shined so bright, people watching and looking around and seeing all of the crying people. I didn't know how to react, I just stood there in disbelief. Honestly I thought Ian wasn't in the casket and this was all a cruel joke. And then I remember the night we found out Ian had passed. My mom and I were making little mouse cookies. It was toasty in the room. I heard the phone call and my mom talking as I muted Full House which I was watching on tv. I could hear it, just the sound of my moms voice, something was wrong. My mom went upstairs and I went into the kitchen. The cookies sitting on top of the stove. The coldness from standing and looking out the door. How bright it was in the room. I remember all of this way too much. Sometimes I just wish I could forget about it, but here I am, thinking about it. The truth is, I could spend all day giving details, every single aspect, even down to how the couch felt when I sat on it getting the news.
Now I don't know if its the flashbacks that are causing my anxiety or my anxiety causing the flashbacks. Either way it sucks and I hate it.
I really hope this goes away soon. I really don't have anytime for this at all.
This anxiety makes me have flashbacks and I hate it. I catch myself thinking about Ian's visitation, the sounds of people crying, the smell of the flowers surrounding the casket, the lighting that shined so bright, people watching and looking around and seeing all of the crying people. I didn't know how to react, I just stood there in disbelief. Honestly I thought Ian wasn't in the casket and this was all a cruel joke. And then I remember the night we found out Ian had passed. My mom and I were making little mouse cookies. It was toasty in the room. I heard the phone call and my mom talking as I muted Full House which I was watching on tv. I could hear it, just the sound of my moms voice, something was wrong. My mom went upstairs and I went into the kitchen. The cookies sitting on top of the stove. The coldness from standing and looking out the door. How bright it was in the room. I remember all of this way too much. Sometimes I just wish I could forget about it, but here I am, thinking about it. The truth is, I could spend all day giving details, every single aspect, even down to how the couch felt when I sat on it getting the news.
Now I don't know if its the flashbacks that are causing my anxiety or my anxiety causing the flashbacks. Either way it sucks and I hate it.
I really hope this goes away soon. I really don't have anytime for this at all.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Two weeks complete!
I just finished my second week of school!! I've done about 30 assignments, 4 tests and one paper. And I am feeling great!!!!!! I'm still looking forward to one of my classes ending in just two weeks. Then less assignments, tests and a class not too worry about anymore!
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