Been a while..

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am stronger than what I think I am.

Sometimes it's so hard to look forward when you have been through so much. It's like time has stood still and you're stuck in your thoughts.

I had a nice talk with Ian's mom, Julie, the other day. I told her that I haven't been able to talk about Ian in therapy since January because it's as if the pain gets worse and worse every time I bring him up. I hold onto Ian so tightly in my heart, I'm not allowing myself to live the life I should be living. I can never let go of Ian, ever, but the thought of finally dealing with his death and all the emotions I experienced is admitting to myself that his death actually happened. I am not ready for that. I know Ian passed away and is no longer physically here with us, but I feel like dealing with all the emotions is part of losing my grip he has on my heart.

Sometimes I wish people understood the amount of pain I go through everyday, especially when it comes to Ian. But I would NEVER wish the pain I experience on anyone else. I just want people to understand. It has almost been 9 years since Ian has passed and the pain is still there.

I feel like the pain will never go away.
But I know that's not what Ian would want for me.