Clutter

These are random (and scattered) thoughts I am having before I head to bed.....

I was watching Private Practice tonight and Sam picks up his sister from jail. Later in the episode, we find out that she is a schizophrenic, major depression, and multiple personalities. She had been a long time sufferer from these disorders and was put on a cocktail of drugs that basically sedated her 24/7. As she came off the drugs, you saw her as herself, back to her 'normal.' But not as a scary normal, a normal normal.

I'm not sure why, but this really got me thinking about the fact that I will be affected by post traumatic stress disorder for the rest of my life. It's not going to go away. I won't be considered 'normal' anymore because of what I have. Why do I have to be judged the rest of my life because of a mental illness? It just doesn't make any sense.

In society today, having a mental illness isn't looked down upon, but seems to becoming more of a norm. Is it because doctors jump to conclusions and diagnose people with mental illnesses before doing any testing? Who can really say if that's true. But, depending on the testing, what if you don't show signs within your body, but are experiencing every single symptom? Does that mean you don't have it? It's said that people with PTSD have a bigger 'butterfly' in their head than other people. It makes me wonder if my 'butterfly' would actually appear bigger in a scan. And if it didn't appear bigger in a scan, would they take the PTSD diagnosis away from me?

I still feel like that in the society we live in today, if you tell someone you are depressed or have some other mental illness, you are looked down upon unless they understand or know someone who also has a mental illness. I use to be one of those people that would think to myself "How can you really not control how you are feeling? If you feel depressed, hang out with friends, do happy things. You put yourself where you are. No one else does." I still can't believe that I use to think that way even though some of my family have mental illnesses. But now that I have experienced what I have experienced, I have began to truly understand that you have absoutley no control over what goes on in your head. I can't stop myself from thinking of someone dying. I can't stop myself from thinking about getting into a car accident. It just runs through my head and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Don't let the mental illness define you, you define it!