I've debated on what to say today, I have known that I wanted to post something, but wasn't exactly sure what.
I wasn't sure if I should write about the events that took place 9 years ago, the 'event' that caused my PTSD. I wasn't sure if I should write about how I am feeling today, or about how much I miss Ian everyday. I've been so confused on what to say.
So I'm just going to write.....
My emotions have been overwhelming today. I've sat in the car and cried, I've gone to see Ian and have cried. My mood is just off. I don't want to think about what happened on this day 9 years ago, it hurts too much.
I haven't gotten over Ian's death, I don't want to just get over it. I want to forget about those days. December 17th, 2003 and the days following. I don't want to remember the pain even though I feel the pain everyday.
People don't understand that I live these days frequently, but the pain doesn't even compare to the pain that I live on this day.
I try to think of the good times with Ian, like holding him on the front porch one afternoon after school and how wiggly he was. I couldn't hold him very long because he was just too wiggly.
This day never gets any easier.
To read about this day and the days following 9 years ago:
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