Triggered

While I was at work tonight playing outside with my kids, I got a text from my mom. It said that my great aunt was in the hospital. She was put on a ventilator and on dialysis and that her kidneys were not doing good at all.

Something as simple as that triggers my ptsd. All night I have been fighting the flashbacks or the day ian died, or finding out when other people died. No, my great aunt is not dead, but my mind immeditaly takes me to death when I hear bad news such as this.

It is so hard to fight the flashbacks. My anxiety goes through the roof thinking that the next text or phone call I get will be more bad news. My body goes to panic mode and its almost as if I start to grieve the loss of someone before it happens. I immeditaly picture ians funeral, visitation, gravesite service and how I will be able to handle this death. I think to myself how I need to call my therapist and set up an emergency appt because I am only expecting the worse.

Theres nothing I can do to make these flashba,ks not happen. I wish there was. Its painful. Every single time. Its like reliving the darkest of your days over and over and over again. All of the emotion is still there and you dont know what to do about it.

I took as much anxiety medication as I could take for the day. My sister and I went out to dinner and it helped keep my mind off things. But as I lay here in bed now, I can only think of those dark days and all of the ones to come.

How will I handle it? Will I cry? Will I slip into a depression? Will I be angry? Will I even be able to go to work? Will I be able to be around my family?

Flashbacks not only take me back through the dark days but prepare me (when it isnt necessary) for dark days ahead. I cant help to think about the worst. My head is stuck there.