the good and the bad

It's been a crazy past few weeks, so much to update on. I have been so overwhelmed by everything blogging was the last thing on my mind. This post is going to have the good stuff and the bad stuff. Trying to stay positive during the last two weeks have been close to impossible, but with the help of my family, friends, boyfriend, and therapist, I'm slowly starting to feel better.

Let's start with the good stuff.

I am officially enrolled for summer and fall classes! And I am very excited for what lies ahead of me. Next May I will graduate as a mental health tech. I'm not sure what has drawn me to the mental health field, I guess I have always had an interest. Having PTSD, major depressive disorder, and generalized anixety disorder probably helps with that too. When I was in 8th grade, I use to think that people made themselves depressed. You are the one choosing to feel alone, you are the one choosing to feel sad. The same with bipolar. You are the one that can't figure out your emotions. It wasn't until high school when I realized that you really have no control over what is going on. It's the chemicals in your brain. It can be genetics. It can be something that happens to you. There are a lot of factors involved.
I have spread out my schooling over the summer, fall, and spring semesters. I will be taking 7 credits this summer and fall and 4 in the spring. I have been worrying that I will overwhelm myself. I am afraid of being triggered and stressing out. This summer all of my classes will be online. In the fall, I have one class a day. In the spring I have so little hours because I will be busy with doing my practicum for one of the classes. So I didn't want to overwhelm myself with an everyday practicum and a bunch of classes. I think this is the right move for me. I am excited for everything that is ahead of me and I hope to someday work with children with mental illness.

Now for the bad part...

Earlier last week, my PTSD was triggered by an unknown event. My anxiety has become so bad that it has been making me throw up. I am having horrible insomnia, nightmares that you can't even imagine, and out of body experiences that leave me... traumatized. It took me awhile to figure out what was going on. I felt off for a few days and just knew something wasn't right. By Friday of last week and I realized my issue was my PTSD.  It has been awful. My nightmares are filled with visions of my work kids dying and going to their gravesite. Every single night it is someone new. I have had out of body experiences where I see myself lying on the bed being repeatdly. I don't see the person, I just see myself getting stabbed and screaming. Today the car anxiety has started back and I am constantly thinking that I'm about to get in a wreck and I am worried about my family finding out and how the nurses will get in contact with my family and everyone's reaction.

I feel awful when my PTSD is acting up. My anxiety is making me puke at least once a day, I can't do anything to make myself feel better. I've tried everything and then some. I take long detox baths, I lay in bed with my CPAP on (which controls my breathing,) I've done walks, nothing is working for me. I met with my therapist on Wednesday and she recommended taking an easy the next couple days until I see my psychiatrist. So that's what I've been doing. Updating the blog, hanging with Josh, sleeping, and still working with some crazy kiddos everyday.

With my therapist, we have come to the conclusion that it is time for a complete medication change. So Friday, I am headed to meet my psychiatrist to figure out new medication. My anxiety meds are wearing off too fast and I feel like my paxil isn't doing anything.

I am lucky to have the support of my family, boyfriend, and co workers throughout this. Sometimes when my PTSD acts up, I feel like I'm a crazy person even though I know I'm not.

It's not about what's wrong with me, it's about what happened to me.