Changing who you are....

Local news stations reported today of a veteran that got shot and killed by police. He was in some sort of argument over a gun with someone else and the police decided to shoot. As I was reading the article, it became more clear to me that this just wasn't just any veteran, he had signs of PTSD. No, that is not an excuse for arguing over a gun with someone, but it shows you how much people can change. The family described the man as a nice friendly person who would do anything for anyone. He did two tours in Iraq and came home a changed person. A lot of family thought he was depressed, but it was more. Waking up in night terrors and flashbacks. It's amazing how much something can change a person.

I say that all because certain events in a person's life changes who they are, who they become. Like the veteran above. You can't ever describe what you see during a war. You react differently than everyone else. And no matter how hard you try to explain to a person how you reacted, there aren't enough words. It's impossible to understand unless you've been through it and seen it through the same person's eyes.

My life changed on December 17, 2003 and the days following. But not like the veteran. His personality changed along with other things. That day brought me fear. Those days following brought me fear. For months following, I believe that I was in denial on what happened. (And I still am in denial, but it seems more real than before.) That day made me realize that we don't really know when we are going to leave the earth. Anything can happen at any time. Those days brought me a feeling of abandonment. Someone left me before I knew it. Someone who was suppose to live another 85+ years. I didn't get to say if he could stay or go, it just happened. Those days brought me so many fears and anxiety. I had never felt so alone.

I feel like everything that happened in those few days has changed a lot of who I am. Maybe not a lot for people to see, but inside. Ian's death was traumatic for me. I hid and still hide my pain. I don't share a lot of my true feelings of those days or the rest of the deaths that I have gone through. I feel like people can't understand how I feel. They will think it's silly or that I am simply over-reacting. But days like that day, when you love someone and you lose them, it changes you, whether you are ready for it or not.

But it goes without saying that on December 17, 2003, my life changed forever.