Death happens every single day. It's a natural process for everyone to eventually go through. When I am effected by death, my world starts shaking. There aren't enough words to describe how I react and how my brain processes a death of someone I know. So far, it hasn't been going too well. It makes me think that this is truly going to be a long battle, especially the fact that any moment, I could find out someone is dead. It's so difficult to live with these thoughts (see first post) every single day. I was diagnosed in May, I had been having a "hard time" starting a year before that. Once October of 2010 hit, I felt like I was on a down hill slope to nothingness. January-May wasn't much better either. I started showing symptoms of PTSD a few months following Ian's death. I've been on a down hill slope for such a long time, I don't truly remember being "happy." Yes, I had those moments where I felt happy, but I was never happy long enough. Some days are better than others. It's been almost two years of that downhill slope, and although I am better than I was a year ago, I still don't see the end of this battle.
I get re-triggered over every death, over memories of Ian, of SO much stuff. I don't see myself ever being 'healed' from this. I feel like I won't ever feel better. I know there will be times when I may feel the happiness again and I will cherish those moments as much as I can, but I feel like the down times happen more than the happy times.
I just started this journey and I know there is a long ways to go. I wish I could just take something and be healed overnight. I hate suffering this much.
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