understanding

Sometimes I hate that people will never understand what I go through everyday. It's not that I wish PTSD and everything that I've been through upon them, but just for understanding. Really when you tell people you have PTSD, they either think that you have some major mental problems now or they pretend to understand. They never will. I feel crazy sometimes to tell people really about my PTSD, it's a look on their face almost like they don't understand what just came out of my mouth. Or they just shake their head like they understand everything. You don't ever really have a mutual. 

Sometimes I wish people just understood how hard it is for me to get out of bed every single day. It takes all the power in the world to face the world head on. Getting out of bed everyday and being social and going places raises my anxiety level right away. I don't know what situation I will get put in or what will happen when I am away. It's really difficult...every.single.day. My "safe place" is my bedroom. It's the one place in the world where I can have complete and total control over everything that is going on in my life. I can choose to be social or not. I can turn off my phone, turn off my laptop, have as much or as little contact with the world as I like. I can control who comes into my room, and I can control everything in my room. I didn't realize until going through therapy that control is a really big issue for me. This makes everyday harder for me. When I feel like I have no control of what is going on, my anxiety shoots through the roof. I always need to know what happens before it happens. I need to know everything and anything. This is why I like my room so much, because I have  complete control.

Everyday is a struggle for me. I have to face things that I don't want to face. I have to deal with everyday things that will likely give me lots of anxiety. If I spoke every single feeling that I ever have, I feel like people still wouldn't understand. I have no control over my brain. It does what it does. I can't just stop and not think about it. It's not that easy. Having PTSD is the hardest thing that I have ever been through in my entire life. But I am starting to see the 'strong' side of me that I never saw before. Everyday when I get out of bed, that is me being strong. Everyday when I go out to other places or are around other people, that is me being strong. Going to therapy every week, that is me being strong. These things may seem so easy for someone else, but for someone who has PTSD, everyday, every second is a challenge.