Sending me messages

I had a dream almost two weeks ago. Usually, I don't remember any of my dreams, or I just remember very vivid things from the dream. But this dream, it was so clear. I can tell you so much about the dream. A clear dream like this was what I was needing. I've never had a dream with such a message!

It started out with seeing Ian swimming in a fish tank. Yeah, that may sound odd.. but his nickname was Fish! It was probably the best way ever to start out that dream. I was laughing so hard cause there he was, just swimming around in a fish tank! The next thing I remember is sitting in a chair holding Ian again. He was laughing, giggling, and smiling. I remember just staring at him and yelling to people "It's Ian! It's Ian!" I was holding him in my hands/arms. His head was in my hands and his body lay on my arms. (That part becomes important later.) And then I had him jumping on my legs and he was just laughing and smiling away. I was SO happy! I don't ever remember feeling so happy in my life! It was such a great feeling! Words cannot truly express the feeling of holding him again! Then the end of the dream was weird. It ended with the day Ian died. But it wasn't like the actual events that took place the day he actually died, it was slightly different. I was there. I was sitting in the back of the truck and we were on our way to the hospital because Ian had stopped breathing. No one was giving him CPR so I kept yelling and screaming for someone to give him CPR or to pass him back to me so I could give him CPR. In my head, Ian wasn't breathing. But as he was in the front seat on someone's lap, he was laughing and smiling and just being the happy baby he is. We arrived at the hospital and that was it. When I woke up, I was instantly filled with so much anxiety because I didn't understand the dream, and seeing Ian again brought back so many emotions. It really didn't help that when I woke up, my arms and hands were sore.... from holding weight. Like I had held a baby... just like in my dream when I held Ian.

I spent most of the day in bed because I was so lost and confused on what the dream meant. I didn't know if it was just part of my PTSD or if it was something bigger. I talked to some people from my online support group and they talked about how he was just stopping by to say hi and to let me hold him again. But I didn't think that was it, it was something much bigger than that. It's like he was sending me a message.

It wasn't until therapy until I realized what that message was. The first part of the dream when I saw Ian swimming in a fish tank was to make me happy, and to relax me. Because of my PTSD and what it is related to, if my dream would have started any other way, I would have woken up in panic and anxiety. Holding Ian again and laughing... that was such a big message for me. I think Ian was telling me that I can be happy again. I need to remember the joy that he brought me and relive that joy everyday. I was so happy in that dream, and he wants me to feel that way everyday! The last part of the dream when we were on our way to the hospital just confused me. I didn't understand that. But after I was talking to my therapist, I realized that that certain part of the dream had so much meaning. I believe it was Ian telling me that he is in a happy place and he loves it there. He wants me to feel happy because he is so happy where he is. He knows that I really needed to see him again, and this was perfect. I started realizing that I was holding his death more closely to my heart than his life. (Completley PTSD related.) I think Ian is helping me to pull away from that and to start remembering all the happy times. He wants ME to feel happy again.

After the dream, I felt his presence more than ever. As I sit here right now, it feels like he is watching me as I type this all. Following the dream, I felt the urge that I needed to watch home videos of him. I would personally never ask his mom if I could borrow those videos of him because those are so precious! I went over to his house one day and while his mom and I were talking, she offered me the home videos! Talk about getting goosebumps! It's as if Ian was telling his mom to let me borrow the DVD's because I needed them right now. I had so many mixed emotions later that night when I was trying to decide if I should watch them or not. I didn't know if it would make me really upset, happy, sad or what. I had the urge to press play. Best thing I could have done. Watching those videos did not make me sad, but it brought me such happiness! I LOVED seeing Ian again. I needed those videos! Also following that dream, I had the urge to start going to church again. My relationship with God had really been on the rocks for many years. I was upset with God that he would put me through so much pain and heartache. Why me? I just didn't understand. That Friday afternoon at work, a girl I work with invited me to go to church with her. Once again, it was like Ian was handing it to me.

The feelings I have following those dreams... undescribable. Everything Ian has done for me in the past week has made me stronger. What an incredible little boy! I love you Ian! You mean the world to me!

The feeling of his presence is stronger than ever before, THAT is what makes me so happy!!