overwhelming emotions

The past week or so, my anxiety has been completely overwhelming me. It's seriously like I'm counting down the seconds until I get to take my next dose of anxiety medication.

These dreams are driving me insane. It's not dreams about Ian anymore, but dreams about my friends around me. I had a great dream the other night of me and my other friend talking and having fun, and the next thing I know, I wake up in horror that he is dead. All the anxiety that happens in a horror like that is indescribable. It takes over your whole body. You can't think correctly. You can't be happy. You can't function. You are so overwhelmed with fears and emotions about that one person, you can't help but just lay in bed and hope it passes. It's the worst feeling in the world. I've done nothing but stay in bed everyday as much as possible. I have complete control of what's going around me when I am in my room. Now it's starting to feel like I no longer have that control. These dreams are coming to me at night, when I am at my safe place. I am so unsure on what to do.

This is the worst feeling ever. All that keeps running through my head is that my friend is dead somewhere and I need to be prepared to hear the news and start thinking about how I will handle it.

I hate living like this. I wish PTSD was curable. I wish PTSD didn't exist. I hate it all.