Proactive triggering

The 21st was mixed with more emotion than I thought I would have. I took all of the anxiety meds I could take and ended up crying and getting upset a lot that day. It's difficult to pin point whether it was just Ian's birthday that was triggering me or the coverage of the tornado in Oklahoma that was getting to me too.

I'm usually really good at tuning myself out from things going on in the world. I no longer watch the news. I have never seen coverage of Sandy Hook. I don't watch the videos of the tornados hitting multiple cities. I've never watched or have read anything on North Korea and their missles. I know that by watching this stuff, I have a chance at triggering myself. I can't explain why all this stuff triggers me. Maybe it's just because its the unexpected and I know people are hurting. Sometimes I hate that I can't watch coverage over things that are happening, but at the same time, I don't want to feel the emotion that they are feeling. I know this is what is best for me, but sometimes I just miss watching the news.

I am proactive in knowing somethings that will trigger my PTSD or my anxiety. I know that if I'm about to be in a big crowd of people, I should probably take some anxiety medication. If things might be changing and are out of my control, I should probably take my meds. I love that I can be proactive when it comes to this stuff, but it sucks always having to think about it. My dad and I went to an end of the season hockey autograph party a month or so ago. I wasn't prepared for the amount of people that were there. There weren't that many people there last year. My dad and I got seperated and anxiety just froze my entire body. I was shaking, sweating, in panic. I love being around people, but this was too much for me. And of course, I didn't have my medication with me to help me out.

I try not to take my anxiety meds unless I think I really need it. I am pretty good about talking myself through problems. I don't want to always have to lean on my medications to get me through things. I know that I will be on medications for years for all of this, my PTSD, anxiety and depression and I am okay with that. I am definitely looking forward to the day where I am medicine free.